All the gyms are full in January and then empty in February. Why? Because people do not have a strong reason to do a lot of exercise. They may have a vague feeling that they would like to get in shape, but that feeling is not strong enough to get them out of their homes on a cold day.
Finding out someone’s goals and supporting them to achieve them is not as straightforward as it sounds. In fact, people often state goals which they think others want them to say but which they care very little about.
To give a recent example from our service:
A middle-aged man, we’ll call him John (not his real name), came to us and explained that he felt like he could not cope anymore and was thinking about killing himself.
John had brought a long list of all the problems and issues that he faces. One of the items on the list was his lack of energy and motivation. The worker asked John what could be done to change this and to improve things and John immediately replied that he could go to the gym.
The worker was enthused and sprang into action. He put “go to the gym” into John’s plan, supported John to research the details of local gyms before choosing one that seemed to fit the bill. The worker ended the session feeling hopeful that John would start exercising and increasing his energy.
He did not.
John had no intention of going to the gym.
He only said that because he thought it’s what the support worker wanted to hear. It was a way of winning the approval of the support worker and of continuing to use the service.
In fact, John was afraid that if he said what he really wants in his heart of hearts, then he might be judged by the support worker, or even excluded from the service.
John’s mother looked after his domestic arrangements until she died last year. He wants someone to do that for him. He does not want to do his own cooking and cleaning. He wants to feel loved and valued and to have a strong attachment to a woman who adores him. That’s what he wants.
I know this because the support worker continued to speak with John after his no-show at the gym. The worker spoke with him in a non-judgemental way, enabling John to feel safe to talk more openly about his situation.
When people state their goals, they are often saying what they think the support worker wants them to hear, but they do not really know the support worker that well. They project a bunch of values and ideas onto the worker. They imagine this is probably someone who does not approve of various activities and wants everyone to be proper upright citizens.
A really skilful worker can work with these projections and have a far richer conversation, one that will lead to more honest appraisals of what people want and what they are willing to do to achieve their goals.